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But instead of distancing myself from the horror, I soaked in it.

Examples: Core reasons for posting: Image Crafting, Jealousy Inducing On one hand, these people are at least self-aware enough to cloak their brag in something. This includes all humblebrags, indirect brags, brags disguised as a rant, etc. Drank the best orange juice I’ve ever had with Davey Welch. Description: Like the blatant brags above except behind a frail disguise. For 90 % of the people who will read the status, it doesn’t come near the red territory, which is all they care about. The other possible explanation is severe narcissism, as if somehow, because you’re you, even the smallest details of your life are interesting to others. I’m going about my afternoon pleasantly, when I open my email and a friend has forwarded me what she calls a particularly heinous Facebook status from her news feed, written by someone we’ll call Daniel. I left my amazing job at NBC to move back to Chicago. I started yoga (thanks Jake Fisher & Jonah Perlstein! This process slots the author into one of four sub-categories: Core reasons for posting: Loneliness; Narcissism; Thinking a status update is supposed to be an actual status update Allow me to present a visual— “Finally finished my paper! Finishing your paper is green territory on the above chart, or if you had been working on it for a couple months, it might scrape the outer edges of the orange. I suppose it’s nice that Facebook gives a lonely person someone to tell their day to, and if these statuses didn’t come with the byproduct of reminding everyone else that life is meaningless and they’re gonna die someday, they wouldn’t have to be on this list. The author wants to affect the way people think of her. The author’s thoughts, opinions, and life philosophies matter. This is the least heinous of the five—but seeing a lonely person acting lonely on Facebook makes me and everyone else sad.

On the other hand, annoying statuses typically reek of one or more of these five motivations: 1) Image Crafting. The author wants to make people jealous of him or his life. The author is feeling lonely and wants Facebook to make it better.

But I’ll happily take mildly amusing—at least we’re still dealing with the good guys.

Because things in those two categories do something for me, the reader. Ideally, interesting statuses would be fascinating and original (or a link to something that is), and funny ones would be hilarious.

My grandmother aside, there is no good reason to ever do this. There are lots of very annoying reasons to do this.

Let’s list them: The one possibility I enjoy is that the message is written to be jealousy-inducing specifically for one individual who will likely be seeing it, whether it be an ex or a friend they hate.

The one very funny possibility when it’s a guy posting is that either he’s in trouble for something or that his girlfriend’s friend’s boyfriend pulled some shit like this at some point and his girlfriend has now been 10% mad at him ever since it happened, so he finally has to just bite the bullet. We’re talking about serious blue territory here, which means that even your mom doesn’t give a shit.